if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
