He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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