I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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