Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
