That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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