why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
