I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
