I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
