I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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