so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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