what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
