Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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