we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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