It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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