I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
