Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
