Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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