tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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