btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
