nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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