i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
