I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
