I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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