I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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