mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize