too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
