MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
