Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it glows. i had to have it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
