now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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