im drinking this country out of the recession.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
