the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
