she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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