I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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