thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
