And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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