I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
