i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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