he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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