I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
