no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
