I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
