"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize