I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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