mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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