hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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