I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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