Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
