The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
