Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
How external is "for external use only"?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
