I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
