Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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