Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
