she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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