u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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