Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
