connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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