So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
