so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize