I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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