There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
