i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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